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Whelp.

I am trying to really embrace my European side and I'm trying a lot more traditional foods... and loving them. Heh. Today it was sauerkraut and Stamppot.

Incredibly delicious.

I had it with vegan kielbasa.





So yummy. 😭

I've restarted oil painting, and it's fantastic. I haven't painted like this in about 10 years - my brushes are c.r.a.p, but they'll do for now. The paint is nice. I spent entirely too much on it, but I enjoyed it - and plan on continuing.

I'm trying to relearn how to get the effects I want - and I'm trying techniques and tips to try... reawaken that part of myself.

It went much, much better than I thought it would, for my first painting in 10 years.

I think I'll keep it.

- and I actually finished it.

For me, that's enormous.

I didn't rush, the canvas was small, so I could try limit myself without feeling overwhelmed with a lot of open space. I took hours - and it's lovely. Swirls of blues and purples, interlocking and textured, with subtle colour variations - I was trying to mix and blend, and I succeeded.



I'm very pleased with the results.



I've also been taking a great many more photographs - and jesus CHRIST - some of my photos of Dylan are phenomenal. I have also taken some ridiculously beautiful photos of my cat. I need a different lens for the stuff I want to do - but that's on the long, long list of lenses I want. Heh.



I'm happy.

I haven't tried anything in that area for a long time. Over the last few months I have been expressing desires to those closest to me, to try agin, to open myself to the part I slammed shut.

I slammed it shut out of self-abhorrence and a mix, feeing inadequate... and as if I wasn't allowed to do it, because someone else did it. It was "their thing", and I got the impression that if I was to show them, if I was to try, if I was to show that part of me... if they felt threatened, if they felt like they were somehow not as good as me, if it left them open to resentment, or me to mockery... then I wouldn't do it ever agin, and that would be a sad thing indeed. I snuffed out the flame and tended secret embers in my heart, only giving the warmth from the smouldering heart of passion to my boyfriend.

Nearly 10 years, I've locked it.



I am saving up for a cello, among other things. I haven't played in years - and I cannot take it anymore. I can't. Listening to cello breaks my heart into beautifully sharp, aching shards of joy and sorrow - joy for the exquisite and unearthly beauty of whatever it is that I am hearing, sorrow that I stopped playing.

But that's not all of it. The cello is the begining - because I have much more planned. I deleted my large online journal, full of secret wonders and I dulled my edge, I stiffled my creativity and a large part that I rejected as "unimportant", "useless", "not good enough".

But it is good enough, and I refuse to give in. I refuse to smother my musician heart, I refuse to wake up in the night, filled with sadness that I stopped playing, stopped pouring out my heart into strings and wood.



I've been singing a lot more, lately, and going to the gym - small steps to care for myself, in the easiest of senses - to actually allow myself to do things I want to do.

COMMENTS

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Dakotah
01:16 Apr 05 2017

Small steps can be great, just keep taking them.

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The water is rising so quickly, but likely won't get the house much, if at all.

We're as prepared as can be, in terms of sand bags and evacuation plans. We have to move electronics up high, and hopehopehope that our loungechair/couch isn't ruined. Not happy.



I've offered a friend who was hit by the flooding some help. I hope she accepts if she needs it. I'm also volunteering along the main streets, which are completely under water on the ground floors (so where the shopfronts are).





I signed up for the SES (State Emergency Service), because I am sick of feeling useless. I need to help.

The street I live on is sandbagging houses, and we're preparing for flooding.



Heck.

COMMENTS

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Dakotah
03:44 Apr 01 2017

Be safe....

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